When Trepidation Loses

March 5, Day 5

My laptop is in a most-unfortunate location as I type this. 

I have two trains of thought right now: 

• People are more inclined to discuss spirituality than they admit. 
• Being so vocal about the fast has brought strong support from my friends and family. 

The reality of the latter has always been a big surprise for me. Fear of discussing the fast has been a big challenge and my trepidation could be due in part to having to follow through with my obligations. It could also be because of some self-imposed embarrassment about discussing something of a spiritual nature. 

What? You mean now I have to explain what I'm doing and the purpose behind it? 

And yet when I do bring up the fast -- it happens a lot because you'd be surprised how much food is involved in our lives -- serious or thoughtful discussion is provoked. People of all beliefs and philosophies want to throw their thoughts in on it. And it turns out I love discussing it. 

Plus the support. People are vocal and want to reinforce what I'm doing. It also raises questions on the benefits of fasting. Hearing there is no eating or drinking during the daylight hours does raise some eyebrows, which is not a bad thing. 

Talking about the challenges and the benefits helps clarify the point of the fast for me too. It's a learning process, if you're familiar with my personality you'll know learning and growth is not my forte. 

As for the discussion of spirituality I am still working that in my head. More to come on that unless there's something you want to add to it. Feel free to message me or comment if so inclined. 

At some point there was going to be a cat picture in here. It's mandatory. 

As always the opinions and views expressed in this blog are mine only and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any institution of the Baha’i Faith. I recommend you go right to the source. A good resource is this Baha'i Teachings website. 

Mastering the Art of Busy

March 4, Day 4, 

Rather than watch the minutes make their slow, arduous way around the clock I stayed busy. 

Distraction it seems, is an ideal method to getting past a difficult personal test. That and preventing tests before they happen. 

Snacks and me go hand in hand. My kids know that my office desk and glove box are candy/snack treasure chests and usually look to there when they are with me. 

Perhaps this video describes it best. 

Imagine their surprise when we get in the car last night and nothing, I repeat, nothing was available to eat. Much to my kids' displeasure I completely emptied out my car and desk of any food/candy/treat. 

That candy void helped spark the conversation of personal tests and ways to avoid making our lives difficult. Seriously, if food were in the car, it would be a challenge not to eat it. As my kids get older so does their curiosity about fasting. Its difficulties and benefits are a hot topic. I hope to continue that discussion with them as the days roll by. 

Being able to share this experience with them is a good feeling. 

Great reflections at the bridal fair last night. If I had brought my lights I think I could have upped the creativity on the shots. 

As always the opinions and views expressed in this blog are mine only and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any institution of the Baha’i Faith. I recommend you go right to the source. A good resource is a Baha'i Teachings website. 

Sometimes You Just Have to Slog Your Way to the Finish

March 3, Day 3

Day three was like a painful basketball game that seemed to never end.

It was the kind of experience where, when watching the game, you're not sure who won regardless of the scoreboard. This was my day three and it pushed my patience and determination right until the last minute.

Perhaps it was the headache that set it off or the hunger pangs that throbbed in my stomach, but day three -- or maybe I should call it The Day that was Third -- proved a tough challenge. It wasn't pretty, but I made it through to the other side.

There is reward in hard work.

I know, how cliché. But that determination, and support from my wife, helped me slog through the day to complete my fast and make me feel better for it. Perhaps the biggest lesson for me was that distractions can make an hour seem like a couple of minutes. Had I distracted myself with something to do the last few hours may have gone differently.

Even more ironic is learning from the same line I use on my kids when they are struggling with hard stuff. Had I kept myself busy I think I could have created less suffering on myself. And that is what I intend to do in upcoming days during this period.

And when the sun did finally set, the feeling of being able to eat and drink after completing the fast was like a beautiful sunrise.

Love this photo of my wife as the sun was making its way through our room. 

As always the opinions and views expressed in this blog are mine only and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of any institution of the Baha’i Faith. I recommend you go right to the source. A good resource is a Baha'i Teachings website. 

Day 17 - Inspiration

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I'm still here.
Being sick last week and shooting a hockey tournament over the weekend has left me with little to say. Last week I was busy putting lose ends before covering a hockey tournament that I had little time for anything else (another reason the large gap in my posts).
Today was the first day I fasted since ages ago and with three days left I was feeling like a lame Baha'i. There's nothing in the Baha'i Faith about being lame so I had all day yesterday to consider my lameness.
Truthfully, with so little time left in the fast I debated whether I was going to fast at all. This is what I mean by lame.
But inspiration hit through an Instagram feed of a friend of mine. A photo he submitted to the Nineteen Days fast blog sparked my spirit and positive thoughts.
"I can do this," I said to myself.
It doesn't matter if it's three days left. There is still the time in this fast and after March 20 it will all be over. I'll have to wait a whole year to be worried for March 2.
So today I dusted off my weary spirit and got up before sunrise, had my breakfast and restrained from eating. I got a killer headache and powered through it.

Today I was grateful for inspiration from a friend a million miles away.

Hockey action was pretty much the only thing I took pictures of for the last four days. I listened to music, shot hockey, listened to music, spoke with parents and shot more hockey. The weekend was busy and I found parents were pleased with my work. I'm grateful for that as I really enjoy taking pictures. So here's some hockey action. Enjoy.

Day 9 - Changing attitudes

In an effort to go with the spirit of the fast I decided that I need to change my attitude a bit. 

Being sick doesn't mean I can't better myself spiritually. Not sure what that all entails but on this fast day I focusses on speaking positively with others, especially when all I wanted to do was snap out. 

The conscious effort made a real change on my overall attitude. It felt great. 

The trick now is to continue on with that plan. That's what I really need to focus on and will report back to you after more time. I want to dwell on the accomplishment of this day but that's just pointless. I need more time with this for it to be a real deal win. 

I love low sunlight. I love low shadows. I love this photo.

Day 7 and 8 - I have no idea what I'm doing

It's true, I have no idea what's going on.
My cold has taken on a new level of stuffy nose and coughy-cough. Not having the physical fast to distract my inner thoughts I have struggled over the last two days. I can function and work but I am eating to stay healthy.
The world in which I live is such that I must continue to work despite being sick. So I'm working but not fasting. I am at odds with myself on this and strangely enough, finding ways to make myself feel guilty. There's nothing in the Baha'i writings that says if you're sick, you should make yourself feel bad. Nothing.
So what's the big deal?
When I figure that out, I'll let you know. Maybe I should just get over my angst and realize that prayer and meditation are also part of the fast. This quote is taken from a prayer by Baha'u'llah:

These are, O my Lord, the days in which Thou hast bidden Thy servants to observe the fast. Blessed is he that observeth the fast wholly for Thy sake and with absolute detachment from all things except Thee. Assist me and assist them, O my Lord, to obey Thee and to keep Thy precepts. Thou, verily, hast power to do what Thou choosest.

It's something I need to think about.

This photo was taken March 8. It was a split second shot that I enjoyed capturing while doing work for the newspaper. 

This was a complete accident while taking some sunset pictures with a friend. I love the flower. 

Day 6 - Some kind of insight

A couple of days ago I explained how the Baha'i Faith has protected me from myself. 

Don't get me wrong, I have many personal issues that I am dealing with, and I forget to use the Baha'i Faith as a tool to deal with those issues.

I'm not saying all the answers are apparent in the writings of the faith but it's almost like having a map to the stars in the sky; a wise man once told me that and I feel it makes sense. One of the those aspects that have inspired me is to be grateful for having a test. 

For me, it's a mind-boggling way to look my trials.When bad stuff happens every part of me wants to complain and protest. I find myself asking, 'Why? What did I do to deserve this?"

But when you go against every fibre of your being and try to be grateful, it's a whole other level of thinking. I want it clear that this is something I am working on and each person's test is different. Some mental and spiritual tests I am going through right now have proved a challenge for me and my family. It's been tough to say the least and in writing a little about it I hope to grow from these tests.

A story by Baha'u'llah from a book called the Seven Valleys and Four Valleys was the first time I was introduced to that. It's a bit long for a blog but worth the read: 

There was once a lover who had sighed for long years in separation from his beloved, and wasted in the fire of remoteness. From the rule of love, his heart was empty of patience, and his body weary of his spirit; he reckoned life without her as a mockery, and time consumed him away. How many a day he found no rest in longing for her; how many a night the pain of her kept him from sleep; his body was worn to a sigh, his heart’s wound had turned him to a cry of sorrow. He had given a thousand lives for one taste of the cup of her presence, but it availed him not. The doctors knew no cure for him, and companions avoided his company; yea, physicians have no medicine for one sick of love, unless the favor of the beloved one deliver him.

At last, the tree of his longing yielded the fruit of despair, and the fire of his hope fell to ashes. Then one night he could live no more, and he went out of his house and made for the marketplace. On a sudden, a watchman followed after him. He broke into a run, with the watchman following; then other watchmen came together, and barred every passage to the weary one. And the wretched one cried from his heart, and ran here and there, and moaned to himself: “Surely this watchman is Izrá’íl, my angel of death, following so fast upon me; or he is a tyrant of men, seeking to harm me.” His feet carried him on, the one bleeding with the arrow of love, and his heart lamented. Then he came to a garden wall, and with untold pain he scaled it, for it proved very high; and forgetting his life, he threw himself down to the garden.

And there he beheld his beloved with a lamp in her hand, searching for a ring she had lost. When the heart-surrendered lover looked on his ravishing love, he drew a great breath and raised up his hands in prayer, crying: “O God! Give Thou glory to the watchman, and riches and long life. For the watchman was Gabriel, guiding this poor one; or he was Isráfíl, bringing life to this wretched one!”

Indeed, his words were true, for he had found many a secret justice in this seeming tyranny of the watchman, and seen how many a mercy lay hid behind the veil. Out of wrath, the guard had led him who was athirst in love’s desert to the sea of his loved one, and lit up the dark night of absence with the light of reunion. He had driven one who was afar, into the garden of nearness, had guided an ailing soul to the heart’s physician.

Now if the lover could have looked ahead, he would have blessed the watchman at the start, and prayed on his behalf, and he would have seen that tyranny as justice; but since the end was veiled to him, he moaned and made his plaint in the beginning. Yet those who journey in the garden land of knowledge, because they see the end in the beginning, see peace in war and friendliness in anger. I am still sick so have not been physically fasting. In the mean time I'm trying to be moderate in my eating and refrain from eating junk food, which is the way I was eating before the fast. More on that tomorrow.

Motion action and sports. I'm a fan of shooting like this but it doesn't always work out. It was fun to experiment with delayed shutter and flash during this hockey game. 

Day 4 - The day I ate food

It's true. I ate food on day 4 of the fast but I was pretty sick this day.
A sore throat and aches all over made fasting a bad idea. This period is not meant as a punishment or something to harm a person, which is great, and there are some exemptions for people who fast and being sick is one of them. Being pregnant or when travelling for extended periods of time are also exempt.
When I woke up in the morning and realized how I felt I was kind of bummed to be honest. The whole point of me writing about my fasting is to deal with its challenges.
A funny thing happened today too. My co-workers and I had a lunch together and a friend I know who follows the blog, saw me. I thought it was pretty funny me eating and all, considering he knows I'm fasting. I actually laughed inside because that is one of the reasons I write this blog, to keep me in check. It was a good moment for me. I did give my friend a brief explanation of why I wasn't fasting though, just so he knew what was going on.
If I wasn't sick though I fully intended to go to this lunch but would not eat. Things just didn't work out that way for me today. So I'm going to drink a bunch of water tonight and get some good sleep and hope tomorrow I will again partake of the physical fast.
So all I was left with today was the spiritual aspect. You know what, it's a lot harder to change oneself, especially when it comes to your passions. A quote by Abdu'l-Baha says it best:

For this physical fasting is a symbol of the spiritual fasting, that is, abstaining from all carnal desires, becoming characterized with the attributes of the spiritual ones, attracted to the heavenly fragrances and enkindled with the fire of the love of God.

That's the trick really. Abstaining from food is a practice that helps one with other aspects. This is something I need to work on. 

Today I struggled for inspiration in things I saw. I try to shoot with no flash for these 19 days but nothing was working for me. But falling snow and taking an idea from something a friend and I did a few months ago, I came up with this image. What fun. 

Day 3 - What? No headache?

I was completely surprised not to have a headache on the third day of the Baha'i Fast.
Hunger pangs came, and went as usual but by 5 p.m. (sunset was at 6:20 p.m.) I felt good enough to cook dinner for the family with little temptation. It's usually when I cut up fruit or something like that that I have to move quick. Juicy fruit (not the gum) is a big temptation for me and I find myself doing my best to stop from tasting food.
Besides being tired mid-afternoon the day went relatively smooth.
It's a funny thing when you fast and have to cover an event for the newspaper that involves food. People usually offer me food and in last night's case it was a Shrove Tuesday pancake supper.
Trying my best not to drool and make people pass out with my bad breath, I had to decline their offer to eat. Now, at some point I realized an explanation was needed, so here I was in the middle of a pancake supper, explaining to anyone that offered food, who I was and why I couldn't eat.
It's a funny thing being me and being a Baha'i. I'm pretty shy about what's happening with me personally but fasting sort of forces me out of my hiding place. This, I find, is ultra inconvenient; I would rather be in a shell of anonymity when it comes to the fast. This way no-one knows I'm fasting, it's almost like a way out if I decide the temptation of pancakes is too great.
But writing about it to the world helps keep me honest. For some, abstaining from food or drink may seem like no big deal, but for me, it's a challenge.
I feel like this the guy who's proud he can count to ten: The good deeds of the righteous are the sins of the Near Ones.
This quote from Abdu'l-Baha makes me realize that every person has their own personal capacity and spiritual challenge. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I can't do better, I'm just saying that everyone is on a different level but the end goal is the same. 

Shadows and light. I realize that last year at this time there seemed to be a lot less snow and higher temperatures. 

Day 2 - Food and sleep deprivation

Tea is the great equalizer when breaking the fast.

Wish I had realized that when it was time to eat tonight. I was so caught up in my desire to eat that I wolfed down some pasta, water and juice. The resulting feeling was less than pleasant.

Now, If I had tea first, it most likely would have helped my stomach and created a better eating experience. Something to remember for tomorrow night I guess.

A monster headache this afternoon had me thinking about what it would mean to have some water or a painkiller to ease the pain. I guess at some point a person has to know their limits but I had the opportunity to lay down and nap and I did that rather than take water. 

It's an interesting experience being a Baha'i. There is no clergy. This means I have my own relationship with God, nature or a higher power, or whatever you want to call it. It falls on me to follow the principles and laws of the Baha'i Faith. For an addictive personality like me, that is a serious challenge. 

I'm grateful though, some of the Baha'i laws have protected me from myself. It's a funny thing but having boundaries has, at times, freed me from my addictive nature. It's good to realize that.

This is pretty much how I felt today. Rather a serious look, but take a close look at my eyebrows, they have a mind of their own I guess. Would be kind of sweet to express emotions with those guys. Changes the dynamics a wee bit don't you think?

Day 1, March 2 - Keeping the focus

Don't be too surprised if you see foodie photos during the Fast.
When you make the choice to abstain from food for a period of time, it's funny how quickly you end up missing it.
The first day always seems relatively easy for me when you compare it to day 2. That's a whole different story. (More on the second day tomorrow morning). So for the first day I just tried to  curb my craving and things got more hectic when I got a burger at McDonalds for my wife. Just the thought of the smell of burgers is making me drool.
Dealing with the food cravings is completely physical in the sense that I'm trying to stave of my hunger by thinking or doing other things. Actually, that's every day of the fast but if I remember correctly, about halfway through, a person kind of goes through a change. It's almost as if you get into a rhythm and your body becomes accustomed to not eating during the day.
Just working on not eating or drinking fluids made me think about the purpose of the fast and how I am way off when it comes to perspective. For me, I feel like I have done a good job if I keep from breaking the fast during daylight. For others, it seems that the goal is to gain a greater spiritual perspective.

This quote from `Abdu'l-Bahá pretty much explains what the fast really is about: 

"Fasting is of two kinds, material and spiritual. The material fasting is abstaining from food or drink, that is, from the appetites of the body. But spiritual, ideal fasting is this, that man abstain from selfish passions, from negligence and from satanic animal traits. Therefore, material fasting is a token of the spiritual fasting."

The physical reminds us of the spiritual...That's something I'm going to have to think about. 

This was one heck of a fantastic veggie juice. It's not much to look at but it was one of the first things I had after the sun set today. Totally rejuvenating. 

Images from last year's Fast

The Baha'i Fast, while challenging, also provides me with a creative outlet. Here's last year's images:

   

 

 

Day 5 - Taste Explosion

Dinner was a scrumptious affair of grilled cheeseburgers with tomatoes, onions, lettuce and other fixins. A most enjoyable spread. 

If you have fasted in one shape or another, either for medical reasons or personal reasons, then you will know what I mean. A person can really appreciate good food after not eating or drinking the whole day. It was a wonderful experience.

I'm going to just enjoy the memory. More tomorrow. 

"Therefore, we learn that nearness to God is possible through devotion to Him, through entrance into the Kingdom and service to humanity; it is attained by unity with mankind and through loving-kindness to all; it is dependent upon investigation of truth, acquisition of praiseworthy virtues, service in the cause of universal peace and personal sanctification. In a word, nearness to God necessitates sacrifice of self, severance and the giving up of all to Him. Nearness is likeness."

Abdu'l-Baha

My wife asked me to put the shot of the leaf on here. She liked it quite a bit and I enjoyed how it turned out.

My footsteps caught the ears of this dear, which gave me a few fleeting shots before it turned around and bolted. Finding deer in town is not uncommon, more so when you travel north of here.

Day 4 - Positively Speaking

Nobody wants to hear a whiny faster.

I was considering being quite depressing about questions I have been asking myself; they relate to what it means to be a Baha'i and even the level of my belief.

The last few years, especially the last have been a challenge. It can be scary to look at yourself and see something so fundamental in your life be challenged.

It's probably better to look in the mirror and be realistic rather than to shove those questions aside. These are things to look at in an honest way.

Most importantly the answers cannot be found within myself. If left to my own devices I would still be in an apartment in Boston smoking cigarettes.

Perish the thought!

"For this physical fasting is a symbol of the spiritual fasting, that is, abstaining from all carnal desires, becoming characterized with the attributes of the spiritual ones, attracted to the heavenly fragrances and enkindled with the fire of the love of God."
Abdu'l-Baha

This was a fun moment with a really long scarf and a desire to get an interesting photo.

Day 2 - Spiritual Enlightenment

There are people I know who appear to really enjoy the Baha'i Fast.

I hear some even say things like, "It's just a wonderful experience."

These folks get it. They seem to have turned a corner or opened a door into the room of "Hey! I got this!" For me the fast is a total challenge; I have to do all this mental preparation just to keep the status quo.

This year started off especially difficult as I did not actually remind/ready myself for these days until the night before. It has been a tough year for me on a spiritual level as well. Everything seems to have been on pause with the fast always in the back of my mind. Looming.

Taking a break from things such as daily prayers and generally trying to better myself as an individual has made it that much harder.

For now I am taking this one day at a time and reminding myself that this really is an important time, sometimes that means letting go of what you think is right:

"For this material fast is an outer token of the spiritual fast; it is a symbol of self-restraint, the withholding of oneself from all appetites of the self, taking on the characteristics of the spirit, being carried away by the breathings of heaven and catching fire from the love of God."
Abdu'l-Baha

Woke up to snow and wind and had to see what I could. Found these burned trees and what looked like a path between them.